Self Confidence 

Self confidence 
As I look back on my life, I’ve always thought I had great confidence in myself.. But now that I’m over forty, I’ve been wrong, I was comfortable not confident. I remember coming up to forty saying I want my forties to be about feeling and looking my best that I could be. 

Considering that I had been sick my whole life, and always being under weight. So my up hill battle with myself was how do I remain healthy and how do I gain weight and keep it on. And feel confident, comfortable and happy, most of all being happy, and happy within myself. 

 As a young girl growing up, I was sick a lot and unable to be myself as when your in the hospital a lot and running from doctors and getting results as to why your not well. How does one feel confident and beautiful on the inside and out when your insides are screaming lease help there is something wrong. 
As you get older your able to learn to adapt and adjust to your circumstances. its not easy being the one who everyone dotes on and worries about, its not something you ask for at birth to be a baby who needs a a lot of care. I had an older brother, who Im sure it was not easy on as well, having a younger sister who was always needing attention, he’s never said or complained or made me feel bad but as a small boy Im sure it was not easy for him. We have never actually spoke of his feeling on this,  
So growing up for me was bitter sweet, I had a great childhood, parents, family and friends who loved me, that was never an issue, I was never one to have a huge circle of friends growing up but the friends I did have, I still have to this day, we may not see each other a lot but we know that if either needed a friend we would be there. Even now my circle of friends is small, but they mean the world to me. 
I have had some failed relationships, I do not regret these as they have brought me to a new understanding as to what Im looking for now in a relationship. That is why I say when I was turning forty I wanted to throw a huge party and celebrate the fact that I had found the real me and happiness. I was surrounded by the ones who I love and the people who have supported me along the way. From that time on until now which has been three years, Ive grown and have become more happy if that possible. I have chosen to only let positive people into my live and surround myself with people who make me feel better about myself after we leave each other or speak. Nothing worse than feeling like crap after you have just been with someone. I have learned that if your not happy how can you make others happy, if you don’t love your self how can you ever love others, and if you cant love being alone with yourself how the heck can you live with another. I was told this when I was younger but only have i known this to be true, in the last eight years. 
Being happy has also aloud myself to be able to gain weight which has always been a huge struggle for me. Due to being un healthy for years. I still have days where Im not at my best due to a migraine, but I have come leaps and bounds since I was last ill on a regular bases. I’m able to gain weight and keep it on, and its funny how eating really healthy has also been the reason, eating healthy is not just for those who want to loose weight. I highly recommend it. I also believe my weight gain is due to being happy and healthy. Taking the time every day to relaxing and just BE! 
This process has not been easy, I must say, we live in a world where we are judged if your over weight and YES your judged if your under weight. So being at a healthy weight and proud of it, is not being conceded its being proud, so if Im posting pics of myself, its because Im finally happy, confident, proud of the woman I have become, and it wasn’t an easy road, Ive had people tell me you cant do that because your ill, or you shouldn’t do that. Im here to tell you all I have done it and I have come threw it, Im not saying I wont get sick or I wont have a bad day but I’m telling you that I wont let it define who I’am and who I inspire to be. I believe that Im the woman my younger self dreamed of being, an independent woman who loves to love and be loved, to be a friend and to be a friend back, someone who loves life to the fullest, who isnt afraid to go outside her comfort zone. 
I love the person who I have become and I try to be the person that I set out to be. I have lost and I have been able to pick myself up and keep on going, Im proud to be me!
I would like to thank my family, friends and loved ones that have been threw this journey with me. I would also like to say a huge thank you to God for making the sun, sand and beaches for us to enjoy! My greatest pleasure is being on a white sandy beach with the beautiful waters, thats the best VITAMIN SEA THERE IS. 
To everyone who feels they have not found their true self and happiness, do not give up, its a journey and a true blessing to reach the destination, once you arrive you wont be disappointed. Enjoy the ride.
Tonia
  
This is a before I was forty on the left and after forty on the right. 

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