The Sweater!

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In a world were everything is perfect you would be here, laughing with me holding me and having the time of our lives, unfortunately, this is not the case. Instead I’m here wearing your sweater and you are up there. High above the clouds, looking down on me probably laughing at me or maybe you are finding comfort knowing that I now have your sweater after 28 years.

I went to see your mom on Friday, but first I stopped off at the cemetery to spend some time there. I’m normally a mess and can’t drive for some time, but this year was different and at the time I wasnt too sure why. I found peace for the first time. I did not shed a tear. I found my self smiling at the memories. Standing there not knowing what was to come later that day. Looking back now I know why I had a feeling of peace and comfort.

I had not seen your mom for a very long time, as I felt it may be hard for her and hard for myself. But that day was the right day to go. Pulling up to the driveway and knocking on the door, im not sure but i think i was holding my breath for a moment until she answered. When she opened the door all she said was I would never forget who you are, please come in Tonia. Her hug was comfort, her smile of pure happiness that I was there. We talked for some about how my life turned out and what they had been up to. The conversation was when we turned to talking about memories of you and storied that she was finally able to talk about. Stories that I had no idea about leading up to your passing. Stories only a son would tell his mom, about a girl he loved. Knowing that what you and I talked about only two days before you left this physical world. She brought me such comfort, now knowing that you did love me and that you had shared that with your mom. (I will not be sharing publicly everything that she told me that, he had told his mom, just know that, it brought me such comfort)

As our visit went on she called your sister so we could speak, it was great to know that she was very happy that I stopped in to see your mom.

Your mom then went to get something. When she came back she had a sweater. The one you wore that last night we seen each other. She handed it to me and told me to keep it. I’m pretty sure my heart skipped a beat, and I’m sure I stopped breathing for a moment.

I hugged the sweater, and just breathed in the sent. It is with great profound gratitude and love that I really don’t think that she realizes how much this means to me. This I do belive is why I never shed a tear earlier that day, because you let me know that something better was coming to me later….your sweater.

Some may say its only a sweater. Yes that right it is only a sweater but, when you have lived 28 years with this undying ache in your heart that when I last seen you, I knew it was going to be the last time, for at that time I really had no idea. Holding on all these years to trying to remember your voice, your smell, the words we spoke, that night, to the feelings that we had, to even remembering what you wore, what I was wearing just to never forgot. I never forgot what you said, what you wore what you and I talked about. I will always remember. I can hear your voice, I can smell your scent and now, I can feel your sweater and hold it or wear it, when ever I want to.

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Grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves, we all deal with it in a different way. I chose to remember the memories that are happy and not of the actual day you passed.

LOVE YOU THEN, LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

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The Lyrics to Miley Cyrus  Song Miss You

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
And you’d hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holdin’ me
I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it’s different now
You’re still here somehow
My heart won’t let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you
You used to call me your dreamer
And now I’m livin’ out my dream
Oh, how I wish you could see
Everything that’s happenin’ for me
I’m thinkin’ back on the past
It’s true that time is flyin’ by too fast
I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it’s different now
You’re still here somehow
My heart won’t let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you
I know you’re in a better place yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you’re where you need to be
Even though it’s not here with me
I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it’s different now
You’re still here somehow
My heart won’t let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it’s different now
You’re still here somehow
My heart won’t let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you (I miss you)
Happy Sunday Everyone 
Tonia
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How Do We Mend A Broken Heart? Hold those you love close, tell them you love them. BTW this is not a sappy post. Its to help deal with grieving.

 

RIP WAYNE APRIL, FRIDAY 13,1990, LOVED YOU THEN, LOVE YOU FOR ALWAYS

 

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What does one learn from loosing someone at a young age. How does one explain the hurt, the pain, the questions why does it happen to young people. No one ever has the answers. They only have words of comfort.

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On his way to pick me up for prom.

I remember many years ago, 28 years to be exact. Only some days it feels like yesterday. I recall the words, he’s been in an accident. My response ” can we go see him?” My mother saying you tell her Ron I can’t. Tonia you can’t go see him. He passed away. I picked up the phone to call him or his parents. To be told very sternly, Tonia he died.

I think I lost my senses, I threw the phone I had up to my ear. Collapsing onto the floor where I stayed for some time. Numb and not sure really how to feel.

I was a 17 year old teenager who wasn’t sure at the time how to even put things into perspective let alone deal with a loss so close.

I had lost others in my life, family but loosing your love, your best friend the one who changed your life at such a delicate time in your life.

The next few days were hell, I will not lie. It was so hard to even function, to be able to attend any memorials or funerals. I did though, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

The days following had been some of the hardest days as well. Picking up the phone to call him and then realizing he wouldn’t be on the other end…ever.

Holding on to his voice in my head hoping I would never lose what his voice sounded like.

Praying for his family that they find peace, praying and touching base with his best friend who was with him at the time.

As time slowly went by people would say it gets easier with time. You never forget but it does get easier. Hmm try telling someone at that age of 17, when there whole world was ripped from them, that it gets easier. My heart ached for days, months and years.

His High School Prom

His grade 12 Graduation Picture

I decided going to talk to a therapist would be of help. To maybe see if the ache would subside. It was good to talk to someone to help with the feelings I was feeling, but I had to be honest with myself and realize that you have to grieve, you have to feel those feelings to allow yourself to heal. So I stopped going to see the therapist. I never took any meds as I truly needed to feel my way through the process. But that was my decision it’s not for everyone.

Fast forward to years later. I did learn to live without him in my life, though I still think of him all the time. I learned in the first few days and weeks to put one foot in front of the other and to surround myself with loved ones and friends. The one thing I did learn from the therapist was things happen for a reason and sometimes you can’t understand that at the time and it may take years to figure out the reason.

The reason this was so hard for me at that time other I was only a teenager. Was he was in my home the Wednesday before he died only two days before. He brought me a gift, a gold bracelet just because. We had a great visit. When he left he hugged me and told me he loved me and when he left I got this sick feeling in my stomach that felt like it was the last time I would ever see him. I ran to the back to watch him pull out then to the side of the place and the front to watch him pull away. I even ran out into the belcony and when I seen his white car turning left. My heart sank and I felt it was the last time I’d ever seen him. I cried for a long time. Not knowing why. I then called him when I knew he would be home, I told him how I felt all he said was don’t be so silly we will see each other this weekend, as it was Easter weekend coming up. We talked and laughed like we always did. He made me feel better.

I still felt an uneasiness within myself the rest of the week. Once I heard the news that went away but another kind of pain settled in.

Fast forward to 28 years later. I’m older wiser and more understanding of death. The question is still unanswered to why this happens, other than what I believe in.

It still hurts every part of my heart. I believe this is (here come some real emotion which I have never shared before or admitted) why I have a hard time to fall in genuine love. Fear of loss in the end. I either fall too fast or I take too long.

The one thing I do is every year in April, Friday the 13 I go to the cemetery to be with him in spirit. That day never gets easier. It makes me feel better after I leave knowing that I’ve taken the time to always respect him and continue to cherish our memories.

You never get over the loss of someone who has passed. Never tell someone it gets easier as times goes by. Let’s face it for some people it doesn’t get easier it’s just that time passes and we learn to remember the memories, not the day they died or the reason they died.

So if you know anyone who is going through hard times just hold them and sometimes silence is golden.

Always remember tell everyone you love them for tomorrow is never promised.

I’ve never wrote about this before and the reason I have this year is because I know that Canada and around the world are mourning the loss of 15 hockey players and other severely injured from a bus accident out in Saskatchewan are at a loss and not sure what to say to family, friends and anyone who knew them or didn’t know them the hockey world is mourning.

How do we comfort them, how do we make it better, what do we say, how do we say it? These are all the questions we are asking.

They have set up a go fund me page and people around the world are putting their hockey sticks out, some with candles #putyoursticksout it’s all over Facebook and Instagram.

I’m going to share the go fund me link if anyone is interested they have surpassed the goal they were expecting. Celebrities from all over are supporting these young men to business’s and families are getting together to be able to donate more.

Please help if you can.

https://www.gofundme.com/funds-for-humboldt-broncos

I have had many people I know that have been very close to me pass away, as the years have past, Some have been gut wrentching and painful but this is the cycle of life and it never gets easier. Hold the ones you love tell them you love them and never take a day for granted. Life is precious.

Tonia

 

My Trading Spaces Review

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The Reunion was on first. It was lovely seeing them all and the host Lisa Joyner was great. They all seemed to have stayed in contact over the years as they seem to all slide right back into being comfortable and laughing with each other. My favorite part was when they brought out the young girls that Frank drew many years ago. The young girl was only a a baby and Frank drew her a few years older. It was heartwarming and very special to all the cast members as the tears were flowing and Frank was truly moved by the whole reunion of her as well.

Well the gang is back and full of energy. The show is pretty much the same as before. This time each team has their own Carpenter. Tye and Carter.

The one thing that’s different as well is that https://www.wayfair.ca/ or http://www.wayfair.com depending on which country you live in, is sponsoring the show. The home owners get to choose an item that goes into the room that the designers have to use in the space.

I absolutely loved the show and I can’t wait for next week as Tye and Carte will be the designers for a switch up show.

I’m so glad there’s a show that the  whole family can watch.

here’s the TLC link https://www.tlc.com/

here’s the link to catch up on the show your missed last night 

https://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/trading-spaces/

HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY EVERYIONE

Tonia

 

 

Trading Spaces 2.0 (that’s what I’m Calling It)

Picture used from People Magazine

That’s right everybody today is the day! What’s so special about today you ask? Well it’s trading spaces day on TLC. They are retuning after they moved on to do other things, but today is the day the mother of home renovation shows are back. It was in the air for eight years. They are returning after ten years. They are also doing a marathon of re runs leading up to it.

The in thing that will be different will be that they now have and extra thousand dollars to spend on the budget.

There had been some successful out comes and some oh so not so successful ones. From putting hay on the walls to stapling fake flowers all over the bathroom walls.

Who can forget the oh so kind Paige Davis. And the funniest Tye Pennington. The wild Hildi. To the bare foot Genevieve.

And who can forget the ever so stylish Vern Yip. Frank the country man. And the oh so handsome Doug Wilson.

When Carter came into the carpenter scene he gave Tye a run for his charmingly good looks.

Amy Winn was also a fan favourite she was one other carpenters. Which happened to be a woman who knew her stuff around the carpenters world.

Which we didn’t see many woman who did that. She paved the way for many woman to follow her. She rocked a tool belt.

I can’t wait to see them all back in action.

The reunion is to start 8 pm EST. On TLC. With Lisa Joyner hosting the reunion. With the first episode following at 9 pm EST. What a great person to host this event, since she’s host on the popular tv show Long Lost Family.

I look forward to watching tonight.

I will post my review if the show after the show.

Have a great evening everyone.

Is anyone having a viewing party?

Tonia

Picture from TLC.

Who Knew I Love To Cook!

Good Evening.

I was looking threw my instagram photo #’s and I checked out my food #. Which is #fromttskitchen. By the way my instagram is chowbaby11

I couldn’t believe all the healthy foods that I love to make and eat. I personally prefer white meat and fish over red meat. I know my body prefers it as well. I can digest it much better than read meat. I do eat red meat hamburgers, roast beef, but it’s not my favourite. I ❤️pasta and rice.

I’ve always loved food. You may not think that as I’m not a person who gains weight easy. (Please don’t hate). Lol but it’s true I love to cook and especially love to eat it.

Being a woman this next statement may surprise you, I’m not a fan of chocolate. I never have been Easter would come and roll around again and my chocolate was still in the freezer. I don’t mind the odd kitkat bar or mars bar but that’s very rare.

I’m a huge smoothie lover. I’ve always got fresh frozen fruit in the fridge. To be able to whip up a drink in my Ninja Blender. The best blender ever!

I thought I would post some of my food pictures that I’ve posted on instagram. These are not even close to the amount of pictures.

I’m not sure what a foodie is classified as but I think I’m pretty close.

Please comment if you know what classifies a foodie.

Thanks and I hope you enjoy.

Also I hope your not hungry.

This was tonight’s dinner.

Salad

Mixed Berry Smoothie

Brussel Sprouts

I Love Loose Leaf Teas

Shrimp and Tomato Pasta

Fresh Fruit

Braised Brussels Fresh Salmon

Homemade Chicken Soup

Chamomile Tea

Shrimp Pasta

Curry Shrimp and Rice

Curry Chicken and Shrimp

Have a great week!

Tonia

ITS NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY….

 

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Twenty Eight years ago I lost my love and my best friend in a canoeing accident on Good Friday. It is a day i will never forget and think of this person often. So Easter for myself has another reason. I miss him terribly but I celebrate his life and the time we had him, he was funny and quirky and loved to laugh, he was the life of the party and has many friends and family who loved him. Rest In Peace My dear Friend,

With Easter this weekend, when we walk threw the stores we actually forget that its not about the chocolate and the stuffed bunnies and all the pretty eggs you can hide. Its about Jesus dying and rising again. That is what Easter is all about. I recall a time when a father asked his daughter what Easter was and she told him how Jesus died, she didn’t say its when we get chocolate, or the Easter bunny comes. This young girl went to Sunday School and she was taught and is being taught the real reason. I’m not saying you have to go to church to instil these beliefs, I’m merely suggesting that we teach our children the true meaning of these holidays.

It very hard now days to keep the true meaning of holidays whether it be Christmas or Easter with how commercialized its gotten.

When your asked at the end of your life if you ate enough chocolate or did you get enough gifts, I hope your reply will be, I didn’t need all those things to show me that Jesus loves me. Because I know with in my heart that I’m loved and I give love that’s what these holidays are for to reflect and know the true meaning.

I hope everyone gets to enjoy the Easter Season with Family and Friends. And remember to take the time to reflect and be thankful.

Tonia

 

Chapter Seven: Finding Out Who You Truly Are.

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Who Am I not?  Usually happens when one looses something, a person they love, positions they hold, or positions. They are no longer knowing who they are.

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Knowing your self deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing your self is to be rooted in Being, instead of lost in your mind.

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IF SMALL THINGS HAVE THE POWER TO DISTURB YOU, THEN WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE IS EXACTLY THAT, SMALL. that will be your conscience belief.

You are really never upset for the thing you think you are upset over. Being upset about it doesn’t change it. Unless you change it yourself.

Knowing yourself and knowing about yourself. 

You can know lots about your self and your history and memories, but that is not really knowing yourself.

*When you feel you have nothing to be grateful for, go to your breath and listen, your alive. Abundance and gratitude doesn’t come to you, it comes from you and flows through you. Be grateful for what is.

This chapter was a long one and a lot of amazing information. When I do these I touch on the most important parts that they are speaking of in the video’s. There is so much more in the book.

Until next week. when I look into Chapter Eight: The Discovery of Inner Space.

Have a great week.

LOOK FOR CHAPTER 7

https://archive.org/details/EckhartTolleAndOprahWebcast-2009#

Tonia

 

Chapter Six: Breaking Free

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The beginning of freedom from the pain body lies first of all in the realization that you have a pain body. Then more important, in your ability to stay present enough, alert enough to notice the pain body in yourself as a heavy influx of negative emotion when it becomes active. When it is recognized, it can no longer pretend to be you. And live and renew itself through you.

What triggers the Pain Body?

A lot of people take medications to suppress the emotions and feelings they are having. The pain is still there, the meds are just covering up the feelings. For example if you have a cold, and you take medication to make you feel better, the cold is still there but the meds make you feel better at the time.

What causes stress?

* wanting something to be different then it is, is what causes stress. Feel it, accept it then chose to do something about it, That is when the shift happens.

Triggers?

Some pain bodies react only one particular kind of trigger or situation, which is usually one that reciprocates with a certain kind of emotional pain suffered in the past.

How long does it take to free the pain body?

That depends on the density of the pain body and when you realize whats causing the pain body.

The link I usually use for the Video had some issues so for this week I will be using one that is atleast working.

ch 6 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNFqWj1-tPE

Thank you

Tonia

Next week I will looking into Chapter Seven, Finding Out Who You Really Are.

Have a great week!

Flight Day To Florida

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Here Iam hanging out at the airport.

Flight Day

Hello Again From Ava. 

Today mommy and I boarded a plane to go to Florida. I was good until I started to get anxious. Mommy gave me the pills my vet gave her. But it didn’t kick in for two hours. He told mommy to give them to me hour before we flew. Well it was a long time before I settled. Mommy was worried it wouldn’t work.
I whined a bit and barked a little bit. But the other passengers didn’t seem to mind. They understood that I was a little scared of all the noises

Once we got off the plane and we went to baggage claim, I seen Papa and a man I’ve never met before waiting for us. We got our bags and went out into the Florida air. It was so warm. My paws on the ground felt so good under me.
I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Ava Maria

Hanging out on the couch. While Papa was on the computer, I fell asleep here for a couple of hours.IMG_7580