RIP WAYNE APRIL, FRIDAY 13,1990, LOVED YOU THEN, LOVE YOU FOR ALWAYS
What does one learn from loosing someone at a young age. How does one explain the hurt, the pain, the questions why does it happen to young people. No one ever has the answers. They only have words of comfort.
On his way to pick me up for prom.
I remember many years ago, 28 years to be exact. Only some days it feels like yesterday. I recall the words, he’s been in an accident. My response ” can we go see him?” My mother saying you tell her Ron I can’t. Tonia you can’t go see him. He passed away. I picked up the phone to call him or his parents. To be told very sternly, Tonia he died.
I think I lost my senses, I threw the phone I had up to my ear. Collapsing onto the floor where I stayed for some time. Numb and not sure really how to feel.
I was a 17 year old teenager who wasn’t sure at the time how to even put things into perspective let alone deal with a loss so close.
I had lost others in my life, family but loosing your love, your best friend the one who changed your life at such a delicate time in your life.
The next few days were hell, I will not lie. It was so hard to even function, to be able to attend any memorials or funerals. I did though, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
The days following had been some of the hardest days as well. Picking up the phone to call him and then realizing he wouldn’t be on the other end…ever.
Holding on to his voice in my head hoping I would never lose what his voice sounded like.
Praying for his family that they find peace, praying and touching base with his best friend who was with him at the time.
As time slowly went by people would say it gets easier with time. You never forget but it does get easier. Hmm try telling someone at that age of 17, when there whole world was ripped from them, that it gets easier. My heart ached for days, months and years.
His High School Prom
His grade 12 Graduation Picture
I decided going to talk to a therapist would be of help. To maybe see if the ache would subside. It was good to talk to someone to help with the feelings I was feeling, but I had to be honest with myself and realize that you have to grieve, you have to feel those feelings to allow yourself to heal. So I stopped going to see the therapist. I never took any meds as I truly needed to feel my way through the process. But that was my decision it’s not for everyone.
Fast forward to years later. I did learn to live without him in my life, though I still think of him all the time. I learned in the first few days and weeks to put one foot in front of the other and to surround myself with loved ones and friends. The one thing I did learn from the therapist was things happen for a reason and sometimes you can’t understand that at the time and it may take years to figure out the reason.
The reason this was so hard for me at that time other I was only a teenager. Was he was in my home the Wednesday before he died only two days before. He brought me a gift, a gold bracelet just because. We had a great visit. When he left he hugged me and told me he loved me and when he left I got this sick feeling in my stomach that felt like it was the last time I would ever see him. I ran to the back to watch him pull out then to the side of the place and the front to watch him pull away. I even ran out into the belcony and when I seen his white car turning left. My heart sank and I felt it was the last time I’d ever seen him. I cried for a long time. Not knowing why. I then called him when I knew he would be home, I told him how I felt all he said was don’t be so silly we will see each other this weekend, as it was Easter weekend coming up. We talked and laughed like we always did. He made me feel better.
I still felt an uneasiness within myself the rest of the week. Once I heard the news that went away but another kind of pain settled in.
Fast forward to 28 years later. I’m older wiser and more understanding of death. The question is still unanswered to why this happens, other than what I believe in.
It still hurts every part of my heart. I believe this is (here come some real emotion which I have never shared before or admitted) why I have a hard time to fall in genuine love. Fear of loss in the end. I either fall too fast or I take too long.
The one thing I do is every year in April, Friday the 13 I go to the cemetery to be with him in spirit. That day never gets easier. It makes me feel better after I leave knowing that I’ve taken the time to always respect him and continue to cherish our memories.
You never get over the loss of someone who has passed. Never tell someone it gets easier as times goes by. Let’s face it for some people it doesn’t get easier it’s just that time passes and we learn to remember the memories, not the day they died or the reason they died.
So if you know anyone who is going through hard times just hold them and sometimes silence is golden.
Always remember tell everyone you love them for tomorrow is never promised.
I’ve never wrote about this before and the reason I have this year is because I know that Canada and around the world are mourning the loss of 15 hockey players and other severely injured from a bus accident out in Saskatchewan are at a loss and not sure what to say to family, friends and anyone who knew them or didn’t know them the hockey world is mourning.
How do we comfort them, how do we make it better, what do we say, how do we say it? These are all the questions we are asking.
They have set up a go fund me page and people around the world are putting their hockey sticks out, some with candles #putyoursticksout it’s all over Facebook and Instagram.
I’m going to share the go fund me link if anyone is interested they have surpassed the goal they were expecting. Celebrities from all over are supporting these young men to business’s and families are getting together to be able to donate more.
Please help if you can.
I have had many people I know that have been very close to me pass away, as the years have past, Some have been gut wrentching and painful but this is the cycle of life and it never gets easier. Hold the ones you love tell them you love them and never take a day for granted. Life is precious.